2019: Seasons of Lessons

If 2019 could talk it would say to me, “But did you die?” 

I didn’t die.  But 2019 draaagged my ass.  It was a tough year and from what I’ve seen and heard from others, it seems like it was a hard year for a lot of people.  I recently put on my Instagram stories that If I thought about 2019 negatively then I would say it was “trash” and move on to 2020, but if I think about it positively I would say it was “awakening” and bring that with me to 2020. Hard times come with great lessons.  I guess that’s how God makes it all up to us.  All we have to do is take a moment to pause, reflect, and process.  Let me share some of the lessons 2019 taught me.  

I started the new year in the middle of my school year teaching at a new school.  I went to teach at this new school without doing any research on the school.  I went there simply because my ninth grade English teacher, who became my mentor and friend, taught there and we always dreamed of working together.  I didn’t think too much of it and quickly jumped on this opportunity.  I don’t want to dwell too much on those details because it’s not important to this story, but I will say the school wasn’t right for me.  I literally felt like I was in a battle everyday and so 2019 began and I was not in a good place professionally.  I couldn’t wait for the school year to be over.  I felt physically, mentally, and spiritually drained.  I knew I was working at a place that took from me way more than it taught me and so, aware of that, when the open market transfer system time came I began looking for a new school.  

This experience taught me a few lessons: (1) Not to make rash decisions without thinking about everything (2) Always be your authentic self.  I kept it real all the time.  Even when I thought it would backfire.  (3) If you’re not happy where you are, leave! Take that risk.  People say the devil you know is better than the devil you don’t know, but what about if the next situation is devil-free? 

In my search for a new school, I got an interview at a school in Queens that I was very excited about.  The interview went well (even though I HATE interviews! I’m very modest and very real and I always feel that in an interview you have to brag about yourself and most of the time people are being fake as hell, so I always think that interviewers are thinking you’re bullshitting them… all of this makes me extremely uncomfortable). Afterwards, they asked me to do demo lesson the following week and so I did.  During the interview and the post demo lesson conference, the principal had said some things that I didn’t agree with and that rubbed me the wrong way about the school and about how her thoughts and beliefs would potentially influence my classroom in the future if I worked there.  That was the universe speaking to me, but I chose to ignore it because I REALLY wanted to teach at this school.  I answered her questions in regard to the thinking behind my decisions for the demo how I thought she would like me to answer and never just kept it real and said what I really wanted to say.   I kept thinking I didn’t want to come off too aggressive or too much like a “know it all”.  I left the school that last time not feeling good about the meeting.  However, I still sent them the references they requested and waited for them to get back to me.  In a few days, they sent me an email saying that they were not going to hire me for the position and I cried and doubted myself as a teacher.  I thought the worst things about myself.  Now in retrospect, I know I’m right where I’m supposed to be.  God’s plan is always a better plan.

This experience taught me: (1) Trust God’s plan (2) Always do the work and push yourself.  There’s always more growth.  If you’re not learning and growing, you’re dead. (3) Always be your authentic self! I wasn’t doing that in my interview and meeting with them.  I was playing it safe, saying what I thought I should say, worried I would rub them the wrong way or seem like too much of this or that, but I still didn’t get the job, right?! I should’ve never been anyone but myself because obviously faking it didn’t get me the job either, so now I’m left without the job and without the benefit of knowing I was true to myself in the process.  

Summer arrived and I had worked hard and risked so much to take the kids to Jamaica.  They had never been there and we were all so excited.  We were packed and at the airport and never made it on our trip.  To make things worse, we spent all this money and we were losing it all because we didn’t have any travel insurance. This meant that in addition to not going on our family vacation, I also wouldn’t be able to make it up to them.  I fell into a depression about this failed vacation because this is what I give my kids: experience and exposure. We had done a cute road trip to Canada, but Jamaica was what we were all looking forward to.  When it didn’t happen, it broke me.  All along though, the universe had been talking to me and I wasn’t listening.  I felt so weird in the weeks leading up to this vacation.  I am not sure how to explain it, but when it didn’t happen, after the initial depression, I knew I wasn’t supposed to go.  

This experience taught me: (1) Trust God’s plan (2) How we choose to see the things that happen to us is all we really have.  I could choose to focus on the money I lost and all the other negative things or I could choose to focus on the idea that this vacation was not for us for a reason that I may never know.  Things don’t happen to us they happen for us.

Fall was here and so that meant the school year was here too.  This is a busy and hectic time as a teacher and a mother.  I don’t know how I do it all honestly. I went into the new school year with focus & boundaries on my mind.  I promised I would get to work early and stay late daily, so that I don’t ever bring work home! I’m glad to say that I kept to that, but one of the main reasons I did that was because I never finalized my thesis for my graduate degree.  Although I’ve taken all the required courses, passed all of my exams, I haven’t completed my thesis paper.  While I can say that I’ve done my fair share of procrastination, I also always have a lot going on at work and as a mother of three a lot going on at home, so it’s not easy.  I am currently working as a NYC DOE teacher with an extension on my license that will expire in 2020 unless I get my thesis done, so when the school year started I really began finalizing my thesis, for which I had been reading and preparing for all summer.   The deadline to submit was December 7th and, long story short, I didn’t meet that deadline.  The professor I am working with hated my draft and the day after I received her copyedit notes and her feedback my aunt died and subsequently my mother was hospitalized.  My world was turned upside down.  When my mother was released from the hospital, my dad was hospitalized.  Almost everyday since then I’ve woken up to more bad news and more obstacles.  I’ve felt defeated and I still feel that way because this is new and I’m still dealing and processing.  

However, this experience has already taught me (1) Always appreciate the challenge.  It helps your growth.  You just have to show up and God will take you through.  I chose a professor that I knew was going to push me in every sense.  I chose to write my thesis on one of the most challenging writers of all time.  But I can do this.  I can and I will.  (2) Health is wealth!  Take care of yourself, and your children and parents. 

Overall, we can think of ourselves as victims.  We can sit and cry and think “we don’t deserve this” or “why is this happening to me?”, but the truth is that isn’t helpful.   It doesn’t provide us with any solutions.  It doesn’t remove the problem.  More importantly, it doesn’t even give us the mindset we need to gain the lesson from that experience to grow.  And this is all hard to do.  It’s easier to look at things in a negative way and think of ourselves as victims.  I do it too, but what i’m saying is that if you stay in that state of mind, then you can’t win.  

So with that, I’ll say 2019 was awakening, challenging, a year of transitions and transformations.  

BIGGEST Lessons: 

(1) Listen to the universe because it’s always talking.  It’s in our gut feelings and in all the energy around us.

(2) Trust God’s plan

(3) Take care of your mind and your spirit! Protect your energy.